הפוסט הקודם נתן לי תיאבון להמשיך ולשחזר כמה מהטקסטים שכתבתי בזמנו בבלוג הנושן. הפעם: שני פוסטים על שני אירועים, ששניהם עשו לי קישור אסוציאטיבי לסרט הסטנד-אפ המבריק של אדי מרפי: Raw ("בגסות"). [אגב, את הסרט אפשר לראות במלואו כאן ]
********* I said, "Yo, Richard, Bill Cosby just called me up and told me I was too dirty." Richard said: "The next time motherfucker call, tell him I said, 'Suck my dick. I don't give a fuck. Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit." He said: "Do people laugh when you say what you say?" I said: "Yes." "Do you get paid?" I said: "Yes." He said: "Well, tell Bill I said: 'Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.' "The Jell-O pudding-eating motherfucker." Richard... Richard is the rawest motherfucker in show business. Richard's the one that made me wanna do comedy. When I was little, I wanted to be Richard Pryor so bad I used to... Remember, you'd sneak in the basement, put his albums on, and your mother ain't supposed to hear, and you're listening to this shit and I turned it... I wanted to be Richard so bad, I used to go out on-stage when I was and talk and act and walk and do everything like Richard. My mother would sit there and watch her 15-year-old son on-stage saying some outlandish shit. My whole act back then was about taking a shit, because that's all I had done at 15. That was my life experience, but it sounded like Pryor jokes.
בשביל לאזן, הוא מתעסק יותר עם תביעות על רשלנות רפואית. למשל: אישה שכרתו לה את הרחם כדי לחסל גידול סרטני, ורק אח"כ גילו שזו היתה בדיקה של מישהי אחרת. אבל דווקא יש לזה האפי אנד (אלק): I said, "That's it, I'm getting married. This is it. Gonna be me and her. I was so happy. And I went out and I went shopping. And I was waiting on the line and I saw the Enquirer magazine while I was waiting on the line and I saw Johnny Carson on the front page. There was a picture of him like this: Then I said, "What's up with Johnny?" I turned to the inside story and his wife was on the other page and she was like this: And over her head it said, "Johnny's wife wants half Johnny's money." I turned that shit back to Johnny. Then I started thinking about it. Half. If you... If you have 1$ and have to give somebody 1/2$ת you'd be upset. Johnny had to have at least 300 million. And have to give up $150million? And they wasn't even married but ten years. And $150 million? Get... Give me a fucking break. What...? What...? And ladies... Now, here's a woman right here saying, "Right on." Baby, that's not fair. Not no 150 million. I see a lot of you ladies going: "Get all the money you can, shit. I'm glad she did get all that money. "She earned it. She earned it. That... You damn right. "She was married to him, she deserved that money." Get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit. No. Stop it. No, don't get me wrong. If you marry somebody and neither one of you have anything and you build 300million together, you deserve half. But Johnny was 300 million in when they met. And I'm quite sure she knew. Johnny says, "Hey, I'm Johnny." She was like, "I know who you are, motherfucker." And they got married, broke up, shit didn't work out And then he had to give her $150 million of his money. I know a lot of housewives sitting out there going: "You can't put a price on what I do." But, ladies, if you marry a man with $300 million, you ain't no regular housewife. You ain't got to clean the house no more. You get a maid. You ain't cleaning shit. You marry a man with $300 million, you ain't cooking. You're eating out. You marry... You know how a lot of housewives gotta get jobs on the side to help make ends meet? He got 300 million, the ends are meeting like a motherfucker. What you gonna do, get a job at a boutique on the weekends and shit? And say, "Here, Johnny. I made $ 200 put that with the rest. "Now we have $300 million and 200$. Because I want to do my share." No. All you have to do, you marry a man with $300 million, is fuck your husband. That's it! That's your job. Fuck your husband! That's it. That's... Just fuck your husband. You fill out a W- they say, "What you do?" You say, "I fuck my husband." That's it. And I've had my share of pussy. I have yet... Even if the pussy was great and sparks shot out the woman's ass and cannons blared and the mountains crumbled and the seas roared, no pussy is worth $150 million! No pussy. I'd like to meet some pussy like that. Put the shit on layaway. ותוספת מהתקופה הנוכחית - משהו אקטואלי מאוד (בחיי שבסרט הזה יש קטע שמתאים לכל דבר...). זה מה שהיה לאדי מרפי להגיד שם על... מייקל ג'קסון: My manager called me up and said: "Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad." I was like, "So?" You know, because I'd fuck Mike up. You know, Mike... Mike don't weigh but a buck-oh-five, you know. I bust that ass on Mike. I was looking for him, but my manager said: "We don't know everything about Michael. "He might be this bad motherfucker behind closed doors. "He's a recluse. Behind closed doors, he might be completely different." And I'd be at a party and have Michael walk up to me one day and it'd be like this: "Can I talk to you for a minute? "Yeah, what's your motherfucking problem, man? "Well, how come you keep fucking with me then, huh? "What's all the motherfucking jokes? You don't like my clothes? "I'm Michael-motherfucking-Jack son, I will bust your ass. "Get the fuck out, motherfucker... "I will moonwalk all up and down your ass, motherfucker. "You mind your motherfucking business. "I hear some more shit, I'm gonna put this glove up your ass. "I'll see you later." That's a dumb... I could never... I've been trying for five months to do the moonwalk and I can't do the shit. It's shitty. It's the dumbest dance ever, because I can't do it, that's why I say it's stupid. But how can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance? Be at a party, say, "Hey, baby, come on, let's dance. See you later." Do the moonwalk. That's some stupid shit. Michael can do that shit, though. Michael's so famous, Michael went on TV and everything he says, the public believes. Went on television and said: "I don't have sex because of my religious beliefs." And the public believed it. I know brothers were like, "Get the fuck out of here." And white people go, "That Michael's a special kind of guy. "He's special. I mean, he's good, clean and wholesome." You know how I knew y'all believed it? Y'all didn't get mad when he took Brooke Shields to the Grammys. Nobody white said shit. And Brooke Shields is the whitest woman in America. Miss America every year is Brooke. Fuck who you see with the crown. You look up "white woman" in the dictionary, be a picture of Brooke like this: She's white. And this nigger took her to the Grammys, nobody said shit. If I took Brooke Shields to the Grammys, y'all would lose your mind. Because y'all know Brooke would get fucked that night. And Brooke knew too. That's why we going this year. |