Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back 



Half the people you know are below average  


 

99%of lawyers give the rest a bad name 



A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good 



A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory 



All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand 



The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese 


OK, so what's the speed of dark 



How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink 



If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something 



When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane 



Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy 



Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now 



I intend to live forever... So far, so good 



If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends 



Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines


My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder 



If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried 



Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it 



The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread 



To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research 



The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it 




Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film 



And
an all time favorite- 



- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work