Steven Wright's humor
If you're not familiar with his work, he's the famous scientist who once said : I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates
His mind sees things differently than most of us do Here are some of his gems
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met
What happens if you get scared half to death twice
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back
Half the people you know are below average
99%of lawyers give the rest a bad name
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
OK, so what's the speed of dark
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now
I intend to live forever... So far, so good
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film
And
an all time favorite-
- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work |