I am an outcast, an alien in a world of humans if you like. At work I never see the funny side, I run our office like Gestapo headquarters. My boss begins a sentence and I look at him with disdain and utter 'it's done already'. Every e-mail, every penny authorised, even the birthday parties I plan (to bring joy..hehe), I do with the same non-conforming rigid discipline. They fear me, and no doubt when I am not in ear shot, they laugh behind my back, call me names and draw moustaches on my photos.

In my private life I force my friends to adhere to strict rules and ring 3 times a week, if not I punish them boiling oil and ritualistic torture.

Don't even make me tell you what I do to my boyfriends……let's just say once it's over some go into therapy, others become wife beaters and some are just never heard of again (???)…